INFLATED SELF-IMAGE

The narcissist likes to brag about how smart they are, how accomplished, how they are the best at EVERYTHING. This grandiosity is the most defining characteristic of narcissism. It is more than your typical arrogant or vain man or woman. The narcissist has an unrealistic sense of superiority.

Jeff used to tell me “How do you think a man on Disability was able to get this big, beautiful house on my own? How do you think I was able to get my MBA in Business Administration? Or publish my own book? Because I am smarter than everyone else.”

LACK OF EMPATHY

Narcissists tend to lack emotional awareness and depth, but only when it suits them. They are cold and refuse to recognize how they make other people feel. An extreme narcissist will have angry outbursts if they feel they have been slighted in any way.

A common misconception is that narcissists are unable to feel empathy, but in truth, they display both conscious and unconscious willingness to empathize. Many who seem to lack empathy for other human beings can express enormous compassion for their own pets, or even overtly show empathy to a sad child.

One time Jeff locked me outside in a thunderstorm with our German shepherd because I couldn’t make the dog use the doggy door. But he kept the scared little chihuahua in the house and cuddled him.

An unwillingness to empathize with another human being is not the same as being unable to empathize.

OBSESSIVEY COMPULSIVE

OCD in narcissists can manifest in different ways, such as excessive handwashing due to fear of germs, or need for symmetry or exactness. The bedspread needed to be draped evenly on both sides of the bed. And it was measured. When arranging furniture, the dimensions on either side of the furniture must be exact. When putting away the coffee grinder on the kitchen counter, it must be pushed “straight back and to the left, all the way, and absolutely NO cord must be showing!”

You are making too much noise this morning; I already have a hard time falling asleep. And why is the closet door open? That sh*t gives me nightmares when sh*t’s not exactly the same.” Of course, this is irrational thinking, because if you are asleep, you will not know if the closet door is open. Am I right?

MANIPULATION

Narcissists are great at making you think that you are the cause of any problems. This can be in the form of gaslighting, blaming, or even guilt-tripping. I will touch on all these later.
I once woke up to the following text:
“I reserve that right to allow or forbid Rhiawna from returning to my house. She was subtley lesbian-disrespectful...you began to be also since she was here yesterday, so I can’t trust you.
You gaslighted me in the therapist’s office the last time we were there (three weeks prior) by suggesting to her that my perception isn’t always accurate or reliablewithout being specific so as not to start an argument with me. That is gaslighting by definition (i.e. causing me or someone else to question my reality/perception. Very subtle passive aggressive, etc.)
I love you, but I can’t/won’t tolerate it And last night you should have asked me first if we could prepare the bed for nighttime.”

Narcissists will figure out what your greatest struggles and weaknesses are and home in on that or verbally attack those specific issues in order to start chipping away at your sense of self-worth.
“It’s your own fault that you were beaten as a child. You are nothing but a snot-nosed brat and there is obviously a reason your parents hit you...you had to have done something wrong. You deserved it.”